No time no see

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I haven’t put together a legit post since November, but I’ve come out of semi-retirement b/c of Exo’s Overdose. I don’t know whether to be impressed by the former or the latter.

Life has been fuckin’ busy. If you asked me five years ago if I could ever imagine a time when being on the internet for funsies was not a priority, I would laugh in your face. But being on the internet for funsies (which means being on the internet for things like fandom) is no longer a thing in my life because I just have no fucking time. Is that resentment in my voice? Maybe.

But I chose to do what I do so there are going to be downsides, though I’m not sure not having time for the internet (for funsies) is a real downside if we’re to consider the scale of actual human downsides. I’m busy, my schedule is always erratic, I cancel plans all the time with friends because work comes up unexpectedly, and ummm, I’m not financially rewarded for all of it nearly as much as I should be. (As any journalist should be.)

When anons used to ask me on Tumblr about advice I’d give to people who wanted to get into journalism or whatever, I’d always be measured in my response, because I didn’t want to have some influence over anyone I didn’t know well. I think this happens all too often on the internet, particularly when certain individuals on spaces like Tumblr get crowds of people asking them for advice. I don’t feel comfortable doing that, so I was always measured in my responses.

But even then I feel like I was not measured enough. For people who are still interested in pursuing that line of work — and who still read this blog, I guess — don’t do it. Unless. 1) Not writing makes you miserable. 2) You have it in you to be able to take feedback all the time, feedback that is sometimes excruciating to take. Getting feedback as a writer is different from getting feedback as an engineer. If an engineer gets told a formula he or she is using doesn’t work, okay, you start over, it was an error. But writing, no matter how shitty or terrible, comes from a personal place. You will doubt yourself all the time, and at the end of the day, you’re not even properly compensated for going through all of that.

I don’t want any of this to come across like some romanticized spiel about suffering for your art, because that’s annoying. There’s nothing more annoying than people who are — at the very least — privileged enough to choose to get into the arts, complaining about how and non-viable the arts are. There are bigger and more terrible problems in the world.

But speaking of Tumblr. I’m sure many of you have noticed that anon asks on my Tumblr are disabled, and my Twitter is private. Sometimes I miss conversing with you guys over social media, but most of the time I’m relieved I don’t have to. And I don’t say this like “omg my followers, so annoying!” I think allowing anon asks, in retrospect, is one of the worst things I’ve done and I feel an incredible amount of resentment over it that I didn’t realize I felt until I made the decision to close up shop.

I would say 90% of the time I’ve had anon asks enabled were good fun, because people asked a lot of questions on things that made me think. But 10% of the time, people were incredibly demanding and I think the more anon asks I answered, the more people felt like I owed it to them to answer more things. And then there were always the people who were incredibly mean-spirited because I offended … who, exactly? Because I said things about an idol? This is the thing about anonymity on the net that drives me the craziest, when people disagree with you vehemently to the point of insulting you, but do it anonymously. If you feel that strongly about it, say it to my face. Or at least, the internet equivalent of that, which is attaching your username to whatever shit you’re saying. I can admit that I’m very hard on K-pop sometimes, but I genuinely am baffled when people will be so offended by something I said that they feel compelled to unleash their vitriol on me … anonymously. If you’re say shit, at least have the balls to say it so that I know who the fuck you are. And the other thing that genuinely baffles me is how these people don’t see how this situation is inherently ridiculous. I get no money or fame doing what I do — writing down rambles about pop — but the people I’m talking about gets paid lots in all forms, but you felt like THEY were the ones wronged?

I wrote about Sehun being rude once upon a time, and you will not BELIEVE the kind of feedback I got on that. (Fun fact: “sehun rude” is one of the most searched phrases to get to my blog.) I don’t really fucking understand how me calling Sehun rude inspires swarms of fangirls feeling the need to right my wrong, through the most malicious ways possible.

I know I said a lot about the haters, but the biggest reason why I have mostly shut off access to my social media accounts is because I was tired of the one-side relationship I was having with the internet, basically. That I was writing all these things at the command of all these people who were asking, people who didn’t even have the courtesy to let me know who they were. Some people have been like, “Well some people are just really shy.” I’m sorry, but I’m just not very sympathetic to this line of argument. Being on the internet alone already absolves so many people of actually needing to put themselves out there. So I got tired of it.

Like I said, these are not really Problems. Just some of my thought process and somewhat of an explanation for suddenly dropping off. I rarely get this personal on this journal, but think of it as … a wrap-up? I won’t ever get rid of this journal and may pop in from time to time, but my fandom writing days are mostly behind me.

If you still feel compelled to ask me stuff, you are free to on Tumblr, actually. I just won’t let you ask me anonymously. And of course, you can always just have a dialogue with me via the comments section, though I do have to see what’s going on with email notifications because I haven’t been getting any…